Hiding

Writing this content is hard. Yes, writing is a hard task in general, but this in particular is hard because others will see it.

I recently discovered a root of this in my psychology — a fear of being seen.

Ever since I was a child, I have hidden my self from others. I did not speak in class for fear I was wrong — even when I was right. I did not wear clothing that expressed any personality — no one should know my tastes and interests. I did not complete cool and interesting projects because completing those projects would mean putting that thing out there into the world — a paralyzing thought that killed many a project.

These are not deep dark secrets being hidden from the world; these are basic expressions of a person living life.

I don’t self diagnose, so I’m not sure what the clinical definition of this is. But it’s something deeply rooted in who I have been and who I am today.

Don’t express, don’t live fully, don’t be seen.

Being Seen

I noticed this part of me because I recently obtained a t-shirt of one of my favorite bands — Twenty-One Pilots. Putting on the t-shirt for the first time nearly gave me a panic attack. Not because of the fit or the t-shirt itself, but because I was expressing and sharing a piece of me with the world.

I had never wore a shirt that had any real expression of myself before — just plain t’s and button downs since I could dress myself. My mind spiraled for hour on this choice: “What if people hate this band?”, “What if its too much at once?”, “What if I stop listening to them, would I still wear the shirt or does that make me a poser?”.

These thoughts, as you can tell, are all centered around how I am perceived — how I am seen — by others. I’m not sure at this point the source of this fear, but if I figure it out I might update this post.

Going Forward

For now, I’m making a conscious choice to wear this shirt regularly to break this fear, and I am incorporating more of this expression into my life. It’s slow, it’s frightening, and it’s painful, but I’m pushing forward to put myself fully into the world.

So yeah, this writing is hard because it’s expressing who I am in the world. But thats okay because the world needs more of me, and I need more of the world.